Let me tell you this: If you meet a loner, no matter what they tell you, it's not because they enjoy solitude. It's because they have tried to blend into the world before, and people continue to disappoint them. – from My Sister’s Keeper by Jodi Picoult
A few years ago, after seeing The New York Times best-selling author Jodi Picoult speak at a writers’ conference, I was moved to read one of her books. So I picked up My Sister’s Keeper and, while I enjoyed the novel immensely, the passage above particularly made me stop in my tracks because, well, I enjoy the heck out of solitude.
This is how I live. I am introspective. I ponder things. A lot. It’s partly because I’m an artist and we require space to create and work our magic. But this quote, an observation made by a character in a novel, made me wonder – is there more to it? Upon deep soul searching, I found that the answer was yes.
I do not share this necessarily to give you insight into my psyche, but more to encourage you to take on this kind of soul searching in 2009. Compared to years in recent memory, there are a disproportionate number of people feeling crunched, confused, desperate and scared and they’re wondering where to turn. If that’s you, take heed. The answer is “inward.”
If you’re mortgaged up to your eyeballs, if you’ve had to downsize and are feeling ashamed, if your business is doing poorly, the answer is to go inward. Ask yourself if money is the only area of your life that needs some work. Chances are, no. When I read that Picoult novel, my finances weren’t so hot. But I didn’t turn my life around solely through earning more money. Not by a long shot.
I turned inward. I needed to find out what I was made of. I examined my attitude about money, friendships, spirit, love, giving and emotional well-being. I read books, attended seminars, opened my mind to new possibilities. I learned to give and receive graciously, something I wasn’t particularly good at before being laid off in 2002. And, yes, I was simultaneously pounding the pavement to bring in cash flow.
Let’s say you don’t have the solitude issue. In fact, let’s say you love to be surrounded by people all the time, so much so that you’re never alone. Perhaps the thought of being alone terrifies you. What is that about? Do you care to know?
What else in your life might you address? Your hair-trigger temper? Your passive-aggressiveness? Maybe you’ve recently realized you have little to say outside of gossip and you’re getting tired of picking apart whoever is not in the room. Maybe you’re too close to your family. Maybe you’re not close enough.
Sometimes we mistake going inward for narcissism because it is so focused on the self. But I am a big proponent of being the best you possible because it makes you a better partner, employee, parent, friend, sibling, etc. Everyone you come in contact with benefits from you nurturing you. If you are just getting by from one day to the next because you’re not pausing to understand, reflect or take a deep breath, who in the world is benefitting from that?
If I didn’t bother to ask myself why a passage in a random novel affected me so, I would have never realized that the answer to not being disappointed isn’t keeping people at bay. It’s letting people in and learning to weather disappointment better. I asked Jodi Picoult this week if she could lend any context to those words she wrote and here’s what she said, “I just made it up as part of Julia's character -- she's tough, with an edge, but at heart she's Jell-O. Campbell is like that too - which is why those two loners wind up together.”
I so love how art, another’s creative juices, brings us closer to ourselves. Seek it out. Also, be mindful of what others might say that you find particularly stinging. That’s a good indicator there might be some truth to it. Or even thoughts that pop into your own mind that inspire. A few weeks ago I was doing crunches at the gym and my heart was still racing from the elliptical machine. “I must strengthen my heart,” I thought. Then, almost immediately, I smiled at the double entendre. What a light bulb moment.
Last year at this time I wrote a Game Plan column called A New Year’s Resolution Revolution and it outlined a structure for creating goals for 2008. I will use that method again over the next few days to fine tune some concrete resolutions in various areas of my life and I would encourage you to do the same.
But, please, try to also take it deeper. You can’t even imagine how much better your life will be.
Nancy Colasurdo is a practicing life coach and freelance writer. Her Web site is www.nancola.com. Please direct all questions/comments to FOXGamePlan@gmail.com.
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