It's not like Prince sang, "Tonight I'm gonna party like it's 2009."
In 1999, a book called "Dow 36,000: The New Strategy for Profiting From the Coming Rise in the Stock Market" hit bookshelves. But in 2009, it was "The Great Depression Ahead: How to Prosper in the Debt Crisis of 2010 -- 2012."
In 1999, investors cheered as the Dow Jones Industrial Average blew past the 11000 mark. In 2009, investors cheered as the Dow crept back over the 10000 mark.
In 1999, the Nasdaq topped 4000. In 2009, it squeaked past 2000.
In 1999, the nation's unemployment rate fell to 4.2%, the lowest in 30 years. In 2009, the nation's unemployment rate soared to 10.2%, the highest in 26 years.
In 1999, Goldman Sachs (GS) raised more than $3.6 billion in what was then the second-largest initial public stock sale in U.S. history. In 2009, Goldman Sachs repaid $10 billion in Troubled Asset Relief Program funds after capitalizing on one of the biggest corporate welfare programs in U.S. history.
In 1999, Denver's Rocky Mountain News named Qwest CEO Joe Nacchio "Colorado Businessman of the Year." In 2009, the Rocky Mountain News shut down and Nacchio reported to prison on insider trading convictions.
In 1999, Microsoft (MSFT) chairman Bill Gates topped the Forbes' list of richest Americans with a net north of $85 billion. In 2009, he still topped the list, but with a net worth of only $50 billion.
In 1999, Time magazine named Amazon.com (AMZN) CEO Jeff Bezos "Person of the Year" for founding a company while losing millions of dollars. In 2009, Time named Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke "Person of the Year" for averting another Great Depression while losing billions of dollars.
In 1999, President Clinton proposed paying off the $5.6 trillion national debt by 2015. In 2009, President Obama proposes to start paying off the $12.1 trillion national debt by -- ah, ah, ah --as soon as the economy recovers.
In 1999, the end of civilization loomed on Y2K. In 2009, the end of world was just another special effects movie, "2012".
In 1999, Moody's downgraded debt in Russia. In 2009, Moody's hinted it may downgrade the United States.
In 1999, investors worried about cheap bicycle maker Huffy Corp. as it defaulted on unsecured lines of credit, causing dividend checks to bounce. In 2009, taxpayers had to worry about General Motors Corp. and Chrysler.
In 1999, Bernard L. Madoff helped develop an electronic auction system for the entire Nasdaq market. In 2009, Bernard L. Madoff helped develop an electronic monitoring system for himself.
In 1999, Brian Jones and Bertrand Piccard became first balloonists to circumnavigate the globe in the Breitling Orbiter 3. In 2009, the Balloon Boy story circumnavigated the globe when Richard and Mayumi Heene claimed their 6-year-old son, Falcon, took off in a helium-filled flying saucer, allegedly to land a reality TV gig.
In 1999, Michael Jordan, John Elway, and Wayne Gretzky retired. In 2009, Bank of America (BAC) CEO Ken Lewis, Merrill Lynch CEO John Thain and two General Motors CEOs, Rick Wagoner and Fritz Henderson, stepped down. Oh, the great ones!
In 1999, Martha Stewart OmniLiving and World Wrestling Entertainment had an initial public stock offering on the same day. In 2009, it was Duoyuan Global Water Inc., a Beijing water treatment equipment maker that is trying to help some folks on the planet get access to clean drinking water, while other folks on the planet still watch schlock on TV.
In 1999, bird flu rekindled fears from the deadly 1918 flu epidemic. In 2009, swine flu rekindled fears from the deadly 1918 flu epidemic.
In 1999, the nation mourned the loss of John F. Kennedy Jr. to a tragic plane crash. In 2009, the nation mourned, and mourned, and mourned, and mourned the loss of Sen. Ted Kennedy.
In 1999, R. Allen Stanford, owner of the largest offshore bank on the Caribbean island of Antigua, complained about U.S. government meddling, "The United States just doesn't want to see this island succeed." In 2009, Stanford complained about U.S. government meddling after slapping him with Ponzi scheme charges, "I'm the maverick rich Texan where they can put the moose head on the wall. And that's the only reason they went after me."
In 1999, preacher Jerry Falwell attempted to out Tinky Winky as gay Teletubby. In 2009, Ted Haggard, another prominent preacher who was outed for his methamphetamine-laced tryst with a gay prostitute, attempted a comeback, giving paid speeches at churches around the country.
In 1999, Falwell also predicted the arrival of the Antichrist within a decade. Too bad it didn't happen. In 2009, I heard Ponzi scheme victim Burt Ross wish, "May Satan grow a fourth mouth where Madoff deserves to spend the rest of eternity." And then I read how Stanford expressed a similar wish for himself, "I would die and go to hell if it were a Ponzi scheme."
Where is Satan when you need him?
Here's to a less hellish decade ahead.
(Al's Emporium, written by Dow Jones Newswires columnist Al Lewis, offers commentary and analysis on a wide range of business subjects through an unconventional perspective. The column is published each Tuesday and Thursday at 9 a.m. ET. Contact Al at al.lewis@dowjones.com or tellittoal.com)
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